First off, hello again fellow sufferers - to those who are new and those who have been using this forum. Again, thank-you George for giving us a place to discuss our feelings and tackle 'VS' together. Much appreciated my friend.
Seeing as I haven't posted much recently, thought I'd spend some time typing out perhaps a pointless rambling, but something which I feel is necessary for me to think. I am at least trying to 'pen' down the thoughts in my head on to 'paper'.
As we grow up as kids, from an early age, as far back as we can remember, we have felt generally safe and normal. Well I have at least. I have 2 working eyes, 2 working ears, 2 legs, 2 arms, 10 fingers, 10 toes, a sense of smell, sense of touch etc etc.
You learn a lot of what you know through your eyes. You learn from sight who 'mummy' (mommy for you septics hehe) and who 'daddy' is. You learn what green is, blue, red, purple, yellow at a very early age. You learn to read books, you know what the sky is, you know what grass is. For very normal children, such as myself, we learn so much through what we see. Afterall, your eyes are the gateway to everything which is around you.
I have no idea what it is like to be blind. I know it must be horrible, however for those who are blind from birth, you have never seen the world. You don't know what mummy or daddy look like, you don't know what blue is, nor red, nor the sky, sea, sand, television, what Angelina Jolie looks like (the last one must suck!). Therefore, you don't miss not having your eyes or dealing with problems with them.
For me, literally, one day my eyes changed. I remember being happy and not really being bothered about my eyes to "WTF are these dots infront of my eyes". From then until now (18 months), I still have no idea what is wrong with my eyes/brain. I say brain because it's not only my eyes which are affected. I see the dots when I am awake, when my eyes are closed and in my dreams. They seem to be apart of my every day functioning. Not only is my vision covered in static, but my eyes have got worse and worse and worse. I refuse to wear glasses and contact lenses as they make me feel claustraphobic. This type of anxiety is exactly what is starting to happen, especially at night. I've woken up physically crying and going mad (punching walls, throwing glasses) out of either frustration, having a bad dream or about a sense of derealisation or maybe all combined AND more. Whilst typing this out I'm getting floaters, the words look faint and my head feels very light and of course a light covering of snow. I'm sure you are all acustomed to this.
My train of thought is constantly having to be renewed, my memory has become very, very poor and my sense of being bothered has dropped. The dumb thing is I still get anxiety from flying, rollercoasters, lifts (elevators for you septics), heights and more. Why? Why the hell do I get all this cr*p about me not being bothered, about being so care free and hating my presence on mother earth to being so fightened and scared about the things I mentioned above? At least if I'm going to go through this, alleviate my anxiety for christ sake.
Without getting too sick, I believe that what I have, may be some of you aswell, is what murderers, rapists, criminals etc have. I believe I could quite easily commit a terrible, terrible crime and really not be bothered about it. It doesn't even worry me to say it either. I won't commit these crimes because I feel, deep down, my inner strength, whatever may be there, is helping me keep just about on the side of sanity.
This has all happened since having the visual snow.
Before this I was a very content, happy person. Things going good in my life, VERY good and my body/brain deteriorates. Just furstrates me thinking about it.
I find it hard to think straight and some horrible thoughts cross my mind that I'm sure none of you want to hear.
That's it for the time being. Probably add more to this topic when I get more time.
Thanks guys.
Seeing as I haven't posted much recently, thought I'd spend some time typing out perhaps a pointless rambling, but something which I feel is necessary for me to think. I am at least trying to 'pen' down the thoughts in my head on to 'paper'.
As we grow up as kids, from an early age, as far back as we can remember, we have felt generally safe and normal. Well I have at least. I have 2 working eyes, 2 working ears, 2 legs, 2 arms, 10 fingers, 10 toes, a sense of smell, sense of touch etc etc.
You learn a lot of what you know through your eyes. You learn from sight who 'mummy' (mommy for you septics hehe) and who 'daddy' is. You learn what green is, blue, red, purple, yellow at a very early age. You learn to read books, you know what the sky is, you know what grass is. For very normal children, such as myself, we learn so much through what we see. Afterall, your eyes are the gateway to everything which is around you.
I have no idea what it is like to be blind. I know it must be horrible, however for those who are blind from birth, you have never seen the world. You don't know what mummy or daddy look like, you don't know what blue is, nor red, nor the sky, sea, sand, television, what Angelina Jolie looks like (the last one must suck!). Therefore, you don't miss not having your eyes or dealing with problems with them.
For me, literally, one day my eyes changed. I remember being happy and not really being bothered about my eyes to "WTF are these dots infront of my eyes". From then until now (18 months), I still have no idea what is wrong with my eyes/brain. I say brain because it's not only my eyes which are affected. I see the dots when I am awake, when my eyes are closed and in my dreams. They seem to be apart of my every day functioning. Not only is my vision covered in static, but my eyes have got worse and worse and worse. I refuse to wear glasses and contact lenses as they make me feel claustraphobic. This type of anxiety is exactly what is starting to happen, especially at night. I've woken up physically crying and going mad (punching walls, throwing glasses) out of either frustration, having a bad dream or about a sense of derealisation or maybe all combined AND more. Whilst typing this out I'm getting floaters, the words look faint and my head feels very light and of course a light covering of snow. I'm sure you are all acustomed to this.
My train of thought is constantly having to be renewed, my memory has become very, very poor and my sense of being bothered has dropped. The dumb thing is I still get anxiety from flying, rollercoasters, lifts (elevators for you septics), heights and more. Why? Why the hell do I get all this cr*p about me not being bothered, about being so care free and hating my presence on mother earth to being so fightened and scared about the things I mentioned above? At least if I'm going to go through this, alleviate my anxiety for christ sake.
Without getting too sick, I believe that what I have, may be some of you aswell, is what murderers, rapists, criminals etc have. I believe I could quite easily commit a terrible, terrible crime and really not be bothered about it. It doesn't even worry me to say it either. I won't commit these crimes because I feel, deep down, my inner strength, whatever may be there, is helping me keep just about on the side of sanity.
This has all happened since having the visual snow.
Before this I was a very content, happy person. Things going good in my life, VERY good and my body/brain deteriorates. Just furstrates me thinking about it.
I find it hard to think straight and some horrible thoughts cross my mind that I'm sure none of you want to hear.
That's it for the time being. Probably add more to this topic when I get more time.
Thanks guys.
